My daughter just called me to tell me that she is very upset at me because I am dragging out a custody evaluation…
Now there would be no need for an evaluation, nor would a court proceed with one unless there was a need.
A twelve year old cannot understand this…
My twelve year olds don’t need to cope with this situation. I don’t talk to them about these proceedings. In fact, the only time I talk to them is in one of two instances: An upcoming event that they are required to attend, to mitigate and lessen the emotional damage they are suffering when provided information and half-truths. I cannot understand or fathom why you would subject someone, especially someone you claim to love to this type of duress when it is completely outside of their control. Of course, I do know why this individual does, she thinks she can use my love and concern for my children to fold and not continue with the evaluation, just like she did when she asked for the mediation. I won’t, I’ve learned, when dealing with terrorists you only have two choices — let them win and die or put your head down and continue doing what’s right: Being as good a parent as you can.
My daughter said that I asked for it to take another six months and she does not want that!
This just made me sad. Everyone, including my ex’s attorney met and the judge decided for the continuation until all of the facts in the case could be collected. This was not my decision or choice, as long as all the information is collected and evaluated I would have this done yesterday.
When I asked where she heard this from she responded her Mom.
I told her that the judge made the decision, not me and there is nothing I can do about it. She was upset, hurt and did not believe me. Obviously, when you have someone casting doubt and fear around for a week or more what are you left with? My children come to my home, have a good week and dread leaving. I get it, I grew up in a similar but less caustic environment. You really don’t do anything special at my home, we are busy living and loving. It’s mellow, we are not running around… It’s hard at twelve, no impossible at twelve to put your finger on why it hurts so much to not have this environment all the time. It’s worse when you have some nasty person dripping doubt and fear about the other parent in your ear. Your Dad spends MORE time with his new family. Easy statement, partially true — my “new” family is always at home. Of course, you could finish the statement: Your Dad spends more time with his new family, do you need to live with your Dad so you can too? That’s what a good person who is not such a great parent could ask….
Further she informed me that she does not feel like she gets enough alone time here at the house, when I pointed out the moments of alone time we do get (specifically chess, movies and bed time (I spend an extra 15 minutes tucking her in)). I won’t even go into home many times she has passed on spending time with me because she is busy writing her story. She said it was not enough and that I spend more time with Anderson! I commented that she has been present weeks at a time and that I definitely do not spend more time with one child more than another. Her response: She knows that I do. Well, I am sure my daughter who has been and continues to be undermined could feel that way. Dad is going to change now that he is dating. Dad is not going to have as much time for you now that he has a girlfriend. Dad has put in the same amount of time. The weeks have not changed. Dad has continued to do what he has always done. Love you. Don’t worry baby, that won’t change… But I am so very worried about you and how you are being hurt.
In addition she was very concerned about me recording the conversation and I have never recorded a phone conversation with my children or their mother. Too bad there have been some doozies. Sam also said that she knows I like Anderson more and while it’s nice to have a step family she needs more time. This is just like the conversation we had last fall when her Mom told her Tanasha was ruining her life. Fascinating, Tanasha has done nothing more than love them as her own. She has taken care of them physically and financially. Too bad those aren’t being stressed by this hateful person. Misery truly does love company.
When does someone get to tell their mother to stop this? When do my children get to stop being filled with lies and half-truths? My children are being used to harass me and intimidate me into accelerating this court case is this even legal? To do this? When it comes to bad parenting, legal has nothing to do with it.
The most important things I keep focusing on:
– Don’t engage. (I still fail at this sometimes)
– Keep negative comments from the children.
– Leave the kids out of the case.
– Talk and love them down off the ledge.
– Remember: They can’t see the whole picture.
– Never use the kids, even if they are being used against you.
The rest is a painful waiting game.