Getting Started
If you are reading this you already know something about parental alienation. So I am not going to bother going through the basics. There are plenty of great sites to provide clear definitions for parental alienation. Obviously these definitions are very clinical. The reality is you’re just trying to make sure that your child “understands” what they are really dealing with when it comes to the other parent, just like you had to… It’s sad, but people change and when the do and they hurt you they’re going to hurt your child it’s just a matter of time. Better to control the damage by helping your child to realize how dangerous the other parent is! This is the goal of this page and if this is making sense to you then read on!
Parenting Classes
Through any divorce and especially nasty or prolonged divorces you will be sent to one or more parenting classes. These classes are excellent sources of information to help shape your behavior to enlighten your children on just how horrible and dangerous the other parent is… Now, obviously there will be some parents there who really do try to follow the recommended guidelines in a genuine attempt to make things better and easier for their children, hopefully your ex will be one of these people as it will make the process of enlightening your children that much easier! Remember the courts are of the belief that a child is best served with both parents in their lives, you know better. I am not going to bore you with all of the class specifics, but we do need to summarize a couple high points.
Don’t Talk Badly About The Other Parent
Don’t, it’s very important that the child never hears from your lips how terrible and nasty the other parent really is! You need to reserve that communication for other adults in the child’s life. If you can tie in any highly charged moments when expressing your frustration to the other adults about your ex all the better! Then when the child talks about one of those highly charged moments to one of those adults they may offer their opinion of the other parent. You will be blameless and not a party to their choice. As for conveying to your child how horrible the other parent is I recommend the indirect approach… Get upset or frustrated whenever possible regarding the other parent, the child will be a bit distressed, just make sure you make no direct references to the other parent. Hopefully with enough of these managed incidents the child will put two and two together.
Try to Work with the Other Parent for the Child’s Sake
Obviously if you could have worked with this person or if they would have just listened to you we would not be here. This does not preclude you from feigning cooperation or under specific circumstances cooperating. I highly recommend E-mail for any apologies or attempted “working together” as for actual on the ground tactics use omission of schedule whenever possible. Is there a game two blocks from that horrible persons house? Make sure NOT to contact them. Is there a game 75 miles from there house? Perfect! Send them an invite! In both cases make sure to suggest to your child that their other parent “might” make it (This works perfectly with the class lesson of being positive)! Make sure you do not share or use a child calendar with this horrible parent as that would make it too easy for them to feign concern, participate or even worse keep up! There are even websites designed to try an mitigate this, do not under any circumstances get roped into using these with the other parent. Remember: They hurt you, it’s only a matter of time before they hurt your baby!
Basic Parental Alienation
Start with parenting plan, it’s your bible. Now a lot of people will say that violating the parenting plan is reason to be held in contempt, let me speak from my personal experience if you are doing this properly there will be so many violations with no direct ties to you that the judge will just look at that horrible person with the contempt they deserve rather than you. Be prepared to provide your most authenticate confused and horrified response about how you have no idea what the other “parent” is talking about. Site any E-mails you can where you were apologetic or appear to work with the other individual. Remember parental alienation is all about planning ahead for the sake of your child!
Schedule
Working the parenting plan is all about scheduling events and opportunities on the other parents time. You need to make sure any encroachment has an apparent important need related to school or the child’s future. Obviously most school requirements have flexibility of multiple dates and times, I recommend waiting until the last date that is on the other parents time and turn it into an emergency; enlist the child if you can, this way you are letting your child feel the frustration of trying to work with this terrible person. In this way you can assure that other “parent” is either frustrated and their plans compromised or you can attempt to show them as the monster they are to the child. Simply say, I can’t believe they won’t take you, they changed, well I’ve arranged to handle it. Now you are the hero and if you do it right you’ve taken time from the other “parent”. Make sure you have a map handy as well remember you need to have multiple tools in the tool box! If the other parent lives North of you scheduling and plan everything possible to the South. I don’t know about your specific situation, but most of the time these horrible parents have moved on and have a life outside of their child, if so distance is your best friend! You can also substitute activities with other extended family make sure to not inform the other family members that there is any parenting plan related to time, that way when they engage your child and offer some enjoyable activity that nasty parent will be forced to either give up time or take away a fun activity, either way, the child will get closer to safety! They will spend less time with the other parent, distance lessens the bonds protecting the child. If the other “parent” takes the fun activity from then the child gets to see how horrible the other parent really is first hand and your hands are clean!
Money
No matter what side of the equation your are on money is an excellent tool to illuminate to the child how bad of a person the other parent really is! Hopefully you have planned ahead and recognized early when the other parent had stopped being helpful or controllable and hid your money and income. If you are sitting in a cash positive position spend lavishly on your child. Try to highlight all you do for the child and whenever possible call in to doubt the other parent and what they don’t do. If the other parent provides any support or income make sure to tell the child how thankful you are for the support in mundane situations like grocery shopping. When you send your child off to an expensive cruise or adventure make it a point to suggest that through your saving and looking out for them you were able to give them everything you have. I also highly recommend getting the child involved in saving for these lavish adventures, that way they feel like it was the both of you that made the fun happen! Remember, you never want to directly address the other parent’s deficits, you know how bad they are — it’s up to your child to come to terms with it… You are only there to help them along…
Holidays
Now obviously a parenting plan has a specific holiday schedule… You do not want to directly violate this plan. Usually you can enlist your family to help lessen or interfere with the other parents holiday plans. Again, this is about offering the child “choices”, if Uncle Joe is having a fabulous camping Christmas and it happens to be horrible’s holiday then have Uncle Joe invite the child! Of course the child will be excited about an opportunity of this magnitude! Gently remind the child they will need to check with the other “parent” to make sure it’s ok. Now if you can have the child make the call, this way that terrible parent is directly rejecting your baby. Obviously it’s horrible to watch your child suffer, but it’s a life lesson and will help make up their mind about that other person. Worst case horrible will have to expend resources “matching” the offer, reject the co-opting of their time or acquiesce for their child’s sake. Again they are left with: Cost, Loss or being the bad person they really are!
The Courts
Last, but not least, the court system is your friend. Remember, they are overworked and have a very codified process. Use this whenever possible to your advantage against this terrible person! I highly recommend you research your options in your jurisdiction. In my area there are wonderful statutes that form something called a “Rule 69”, ironic, I know… This statute provides for the formation of an agreement between two divorcing parties, notice I did not say “contract” because under contract law if two parties enter into a contract and one of the parties is found to have lied or negotiated in bad faith it breaches the contract and at a minimum the terms become null and void, worse the injured party could seek penalties. Because this is an agreement, no matter what the agreement states, no matter how ridiculous it’s binding! Remember a rule 69 agreement can be formed with ANY half formed agreement as long as both parties sign it and you get it into the court. Get yourself a mediator and try to explain to your monster that it will save money and pain by using this person. Try to make sure you get a mediator that is not practicing law in your jurisdiction, that way they will be easy to steer towards whatever agreement you want and not be troubled by knowing whats normal and customary. Once you’ve got their signature, no matter what get it filed with the court. This document, combined with your testimony (Exaggeration, omission, inference and outright lying are your friends) will cement this terrible persons future. Now that you have their funding reduced through using your jurisdictions statutes you will need to execute a campaign for the child’s benefit, extracurricular activities are an excellent tool for this campaign. Also document the child’s grades in an attempt to attribute poor scholastic achievement to that other person’s parenting time, don’t worry, no one from the court is actually going to check your statements. Your goal with the extracurricular activities is to keep the other parent busy during their time shuttling the child to the activities and paying “their share” of the costs of these activities (Really, they should be paying for it all!). Keep in mind, you need to be prepared to fight about everything. By doing this that other parent has to choose to either run around and do all of this or face you in court with documented evidence that they just don’t care about the child’s future (Duh!). If the monster has a full time job they most certainly will fail or refuse to participate in this cavalcade of child activities. The court will be most interested in what’s “best” for the child and of course activities and school are considered hugely beneficial to the growth of the child. Using a competent legal counsel will allow you to highly light the monster’s incompetence in court, your goal should be to minimize the parental time, while at the same time trying to plead for their participation in the child’s life (Primarily, by being a taxi service). Remember the court takes a snap shot, they do not actually want to review the “whole enchilada” use this to your advantage in regards to your funds and income. I know of one person who successfully got terminated just before court and was able to maintain their free health care, alimony and child support even though they had made more on average than their ex-monster for the past three years!
Significant Others and Blended Families
If your monster has moved on and has started another family all the better! This is a natural insecurity for your child, which you can exploit. Start with simple suggestions about the other parent won’t have as much time for you because they will be busy with their “new” family. If at any point and time the other parent is late or cannot make an event, suggest that it’s too bad — they’re probably too busy… Remember, a little heartache now will prevent a far worse future… You know what a monster they were, it’s time for the child to know too! If there are other children, even better! Don’t forget to suggest the other parent has “new” kids now, this will do wonders in forming the proper separation, no, alienation that you are looking for!
In Closing
It’s amazing what you can do if you are willing to stay focused, fight the good fight and remember above all: They left you and the child! They deserve no quarter and at a minimum they should be paying for everything related to their child! Hang in there! I hope this small guide helps you get through this difficult and terrible stage of life! No one deserves to be left, no matter how poorly they behaved! Marriages are supposed to be forever and there should be no actions you take or behaviors you have that should break that marriage. Of course, if you are reading this and think any part of this “guide” is a good idea I encourage you to seek help. This guide was a cathartic process to attempt to make light of a difficult situation, one which I have not been able to “fix”. In the end following any part of this guide will at a minimum result in damage to your child and the other parent. No matter what your opinion of the other parent is, they are in fact a parent. If they were not they would not be in the child’s life and all of this would be moot. If you engage in any of the above activities even accidentally, you may want to rethink your position as you may find your relationship with your child permanently damaged or destroyed. A tragic and unnecessary future…