So yesterday turned out to be one of the most ridiculous days in a long time.
Glad it’s over, it’s definitely related to who I am as a person, I get that but I’m tired and ready to tear it all back down to get to the things I love in life….
First, I’ve been engaged in a huge proposal writing project at work, this has consumed most of my work time and half of my weekend. It’s sucked and if I were in a more financially sound position maybe I’d be willing to let some people down and quit. I’m not, I still care, so I didn’t. Guess that’s a win? More than anything it simply shows me that my work matters, but it doesn’t matter enough to the people who are busy paying themselves top dollar. So if a position doesn’t enrich it just keeps you alive how long do you go at it for? When does that threshold of not giving a F**K get crossed? Not sure, but I feel it coming…..
Next — I get a call from my wife, whom I generally adore and find the least annoying person on the planet. This is saying something, because I honestly could be happy alone. Yes I am certain that makes me screwed up on some level, but when you roll through life continuously categorizing and prioritizing issues in an attempt to tackle them and eliminate them more headache for fun — isn’t. She’s been to Big O to get her tires rotated and their balancing weights had fallen into the brake caliper! She’s calling to let me know that I didn’t get her rotors turned when I replaced the brakes. Nope. Sure didn’t, the rotors had a decent sheen and no deep gouges, plus they were getting thin, so I didn’t figuring the next time around I’d just replace them at $50+ a pop. Well apparently my tone wasn’t right while she was telling me what I didn’t do. The call was abrupt and I simply dismissed it and went on to my next problem (I have so many to pick from I really want for nothing).
I get home… So now it’s the you need to apologize for my tone time. This I am really not feeling this…. If I have to apologize for my tone then you must apologize for yours, I could detect you felt like the guys at Big O were right and your tone led me to believe you were not only taking their side. A tone, like a look is circumstantial at best and frankly you maybe getting more tone in the future if I really have to monitor my tone on top of my verbiage. I muddle through this — I don’t want to hurt my baby’s feelings — I also dislike this pattern and find it frustrating and more than a little juvenile. That’s just me.
I sit down to watch some TV, I have made a concerted effort to be fully present for the majority of my evenings. My baby hasn’t had a job in six months or so and she is well beyond stir crazy. I know how important it is to talk with her and spending time doing something we can both enjoy together (I think of her saying this in an Alfalfa voice from the little rascals, I love my baby). We have our normal conversations we enjoy Love and Hip Hop Los Angles and Colbert’s Late Show. I check my google hang outs to see if my daughter is online, as I have asked for a half hour a day where she has her computer even when grounded so we can play chess. It’s small, but important and thus far since my last request it’s been three days — no daughter. Well my wife says she intends to watch House Wives of OC. I can’t stand these shows, they are way past the pale of anything meaningful. So I head over to my computer to play a little CS:GO, it’s a FPS shooter with little point other than proper aiming and covering — it requires attention when playing. Of course, as soon as I begin playing after two – three hours of watch TV and talking suddenly it’s time to require my attention for possible homes, now that she’s going back to work! She has had two real opportunities, as discussed earlier in the evening and I am excited about the possibility of her getting back to work! That however doesn’t require my attention while I’m playing. My body language is again an issue — I give up and shut the game down. Why bother? I wonder what the world would be like if shit just went the way I wanted? What would that look like? Is it too much if you want to watch you craptastic OC program that I not be engaged? Or how about I refuse to allow OC and those shows on in my presence? What’s that look like. Ahh well on F**K given… Done for the evening…
So the last week has been replete with crappy unnecessary BS from my Ex. I got a weird receipt E-mail from Rustic Pathways saying that they can’t wait to send more details regarding some trips. So I send an E-mail asking my Ex what it’s about and can she please send dates and an itinerary. Nothing difficult, nothing unreasonable. I get back that the Rustic Pathway’s E-mail has all of that don’t bother her. I again state clearly it doesn’t and please don’t make this difficult. She doesn’t respond, I wait another three days and I get a set of E-mails from RP saying that my children will be off two China and some other local in Asia for 20+ days. Oh and that the bill is over $10k. Impressive! So lying pays boys and girls. This is a problem, since I had stated my intention to always take the last two weeks of summer vacation in order to prevent the issues I’ve had for the last two summer vacations. I send her an E-mail stating she’s got a problem because indeed these overlap my requested time and this is an even year where my plans take priority. I get back a rambler talking about what plans do I have and essentially that their entire Summer from start to finish is planned out. I send back paraphrasing that essentially there is no time for vacation with me period. Got it. She sends some more crap. I don’t bother responding. I do tell her implicitly that she needs to make my children available a half hour a day for me to chat with. She sends back a rather nasty hurtful letter. Whatever — then she has the balls to text me at 7:00PM on Saturday and say that if I want I can come over and hang out for the kids surprise birthday party as long as my wife or I do not speak to her. Really? You send a text invite after it’s already started and you know it takes 30 minutes to get there. Plus she can’t even behave in public at a grocery store. Why am I going to subject myself to such a thing? I’m not — and tell her so — but thank her for the invite. Her response is perfect. Well for the kids sake I tried. Oh yes, yes you tried… LOL
So now that the back story has been somewhat covered, back to the evening. It’s the third day of not chatting with my daughter, whom I enjoy playing chess with online. I check my Google Hangouts, nothing. I leave her another little line saying I hope she’s doing well… Three days and counting so far… Then it arrives… an E-mail from my Ex saying her brother has had a heart attack! In typical melodramatic fashion the E-mail says she’s going to got take care of him mentions she wants to see if I want to take care of the kids. I can’t get a firm handle on the dates because she’s incapable of just providing a date range. So I respond back how sorry I am (Her brother Russ is a really good guy and he and I were roommates for a time so I hope he’s ok). I relay this to T and she just goes off… One long stream of mistrust and how yet again my ex can create problems, lie, do whatever she wants and then wants you to bend over and take. Now all of a sudden it’s gone from staying calm and doing whats best for the kids to fuck this shit — tired of being treated like someones bitch. Now, to be clear I’ve had this dialog with myself and time to time with T and others and I’m always told — remember the children. Well not tonight, I just pretty much sit quietly trying to just find my center. In the meantime I have a rabid Fraggle fuming over the situation and how tired she is of putting up with this shit and how tired she is of me being mistreated (That makes two of us). She continues to poke and prod for my position on the matter. I really am just plain tired of the whole damn thing, I’m more irritated that my Ex has yet again seeped into my happy home — which is not happy at this moment. I am beyond irritated and want to be left alone so I say fuck it. I’ll just take care of it right now I grab my phone and E-mail my Ex: Hope he’ll get better. Can’t do it. Make other arrangements. Two F**Ks given tonight.
I am way past giving a shit what anyone thinks today and I woke up this morning feeling the same. I have always lived my life doing what is best for the most. It’s not a normal way of thinking, I get it. My way of considering those around me and coming up with the best solution that is positive for the most is wrong according to this world. I often wonder how everyone would react to me operating like they do…. Me… Me… Me…. I wonder how that would look. I hear so many people with this mantra and they do not make the world a better place. Not even a little bit.